As far back as I can remember, I have always wanted to write. In my younger days, I felt I knew and understood a lot. I thought I had a unique, visionary perspective that, if shared far and wide, would help make the world a better place. I dreamed of being celebrated for spreading ideas that would enlighten humanity and would end the suffering that I felt wrapped us all, no matter what part of the world we live in. I dreamed of being the genius that would usher in a new era, propel us all to a new level of awareness, compassion and kindness. I wanted to matter! Cute, laughable, possibly a touch too cocky - I know now. But I'll hope you'll forgive my youthful enthusiasm.
Years have passed since. No, decades. And a lot of the things I believed in in my youth have fallen away. The notion that the world can change overnight, if only someone would turn the lights on, has become deeply eroded. I stopped believing in revolutions. I stopped believing in fixing the system. Sure, adjust it as we go, but overhaul-it-from-the-ground-up? No thank you! I also stopped believing in pomp and fame. I think.
The younger generation, my older son included, will brand me as a fossil, a reactionary of some sort that wants to stop the wheel of history that keeps hurtling forward. I sigh and look at him and hurt at how little do we know each other. I thought I'd make a better parent, guide or friend. But, like with many other things in life, with time and the unfaltering certainty of failure, one starts to try to accept reality. OK, maybe not reality but one's perception of it. Have I admitted defeat? No, never! I'd rather lay down and die quietly, hopefully without upsetting anyone.
But what I think I am trying to accept is a slightly better-informed view of the world where things are both really, really complicated and yet so simple it could make you cry. Or maybe I am just jaded with my own spectacular personal disasters. Whatever it may be.
So I sit here, still feeling that itch. To put words down, to have someone read them, to reach out and touch someone and hope my touch would make a difference. Yet today I think in a scale that is both a lot smaller and far grander than ever, at the same time. I want to help change humanity from its core; one person at a time or every single one of us; in one swell swoop or over a torturous stretch of millennia. Whatever! As long as we get there some day.
The world we live in is made up of humans, among other entities. And, while we need to respect all living things, we need to start with ourselves. I have come to believe in change from within; from within our souls, hearts and minds, for lack of better terms. If we make us better, we'll make a better world to live in. We'll learn to be more compassionate, humble and kind and we'll probably be a lot happier in the end. That is my Utopia these days and, since I have been an incurable optimist most of my life, I'll try to stick with that as long as I can. If I may be proven wrong, so be it. But I don't really see the purpose of doing anything beyond that point. So, I dig my heels in where I am and hope you will forgive my schizoid delusions.
Let's dispense with ceremony, formalities, and other tedious phoniness. Let's just talk. Heart to heart. Openly, honestly, without judgement or feeling personally attacked. Let's share what we have learned, as misguided as it may be - who we think we are and what we think the world looks like - and hope to stand corrected in the process.
I can promise you that this blog may turn out to be completely unpredictable. I may post to it often or never again. I may share some very personal items or may stick to theories only. At times it may seem really cerebral, at others it may prove to be vulgarly prosaic and uninspired. You may read about lofty ideas and obscene realities. I may seem like an angel one minute and a reincarnation of evil the next.
That is all fine by me. I am not here to make friends in the formal sense of the word. What I would hope to accomplish is to add my drop to the ocean of attempts to foster an open discussion even if it may seem like a disjointed monologue most of the time. Honesty and openness as best as I can manage, no matter how misguided and misinformed it may be. Feel free to comment on what your read here. As long as I can handle what you say and I don't feel you are taking advantage of anyone, I'll keep the discussion open. No promises, of course, but I'll try to be the best that I can be and I'll hope you'll do the same.
So, big hugs to all of your ecstatically happy and miserably suffering human beings. I love you all! I'll hope I can row the boat at least as good as the worst of you and I'll pray that we land in a better place, all of us, where we can rejoice and celebrate this wonderful gift, life.
Until then, we are all together, floating in the current, without a compass or a very good idea of where we want to go. Sounds hopeless? I hope you don't mind but I would love to share that journey with you!